you can DRAG ME TO HELL any day of the week if it's gonna be this much fun!

So DRAG ME TO HELL was a really wild ride. Is it an amazing film? True, it does not reach the dramatic heights of say, this years Star Trek. However, in its defense it doesn’t shoot for the stars. It doesn’t even go for the moon. It goes for the jugular and never let’s go. Sam Raimi, who’s made a living off of spider man films, got his start in low rent horror with the Evil Dead franchise. If you have experienced those films, you won’t need to read this review, because you’re already in line to see it. If you haven’t, you’re a lesser person for it. He returns to his roots here, and proves he still knows how to control audience’s emotions when in regards to fear and laughs.

A loans officer at a bank is vying for an assistant manager position and in order to get it must make the “hard decisions.” In comes a creepy and deliciously over the top Gypsy. Yes, as in the hunchback of Notre dame, the wolf man, or, um, Stephen kings “thinner.” the poor gypsy named Mrs. Ganush is pretty upset about the fact that she can’t stay in her house anymore, and obviously our pool little loans officer must pay…With her soul. That is literally all the set up or plot that there is. And frankly that takes up a lot more time that could have been spent on the horrors our heroin must endure for three days before, as is legend, she will be dragged to hell, by the curse the gypsy puts on her.
This movie is concerned with two simple things. to make you jump out of your seat, and to make you laugh. There is not one moment wasted on anything other than one of those things. An early parking lot brawl starts off creepy, goes to full blown scary, then suddenly turns into a loony tunes cartoon (wait for the staple to the eye!!) And that one scene properly sets up the entire film. Every sequence starts with suspense, goes for the cheap shock, and then delves into sick dark humor.
No lie, there is a scene involving haunted pots and pans that I jumped out of my seat at, then could not stop laughing at. It was so much fun. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, the film goes for broke, throwing everything at you including the kitchen sink. Well, they leave that one item out, but a handkerchief has never been so menacing. Oh, and did I tell you there was a talking goat? There is. And a séance scene that just keeps topping itself with more ludicrous poltergeist shenanigans (was that possessed man dancing in mid air?) OH, and how could I forget the death by anvil! That’s right, an anvil, tied to a rope, tied to a pulley, with anvil looming overhead, and a pair of ice skates present to save the day. It’s like a live action road runner cartoon, with a lot more goo.

The film is only pg-13 and deserves the rating. However, there is a LOT of phlegm, snot, ooz, bugs, and vomit thrown around. I was more grossed out than I was during some other R rated gore moments. The difference here is it’s all in fun. The move doesn’t dwell on depravity; it delights in grossing us out, or making us jump. It makes scary movies fun again. I can not recommend this thing enough. It’s the best thing to see with a large group of people, and hear everyone squeal and squirm at every turn. And it’s also reassuring to hear them laughing just like you after the movie delivers yet another effective “gotcha” moment. If I had any complaints I’d say it’s not long enough. I could have put up with another 30 minutes of this sucker. Also, Alison Lohman looks and sounds as though she’s 12. I know she’s actually in her 20’s, but a loan officer? I feel she should be asking me to drive her to the prom. The Mac guy is also in it as her caring boyfriend. But it’s Allison’s show, and she’s in almost every scene taking one hell of a beating. It’s the kind of movie you walk out and argue with your friends about which scene was better. For me it was the fate of the kitten sequence. I wont spoil it, but lets just say that a film that off’s a 7 year old before the opening titles is obviously not playing by the rules. And Raimi has so much fun breaking them all. I had a blast with this film, and will be seeing it again.

Terminator Salvation

Terminator Salvation is a really good summer action flick. It's really short on character development, but does have just enough of a plot strand to string one excellent action sequence along with another. It’s better than part 3 by a large margin, and has way more action than part two, but the things holding it back are pretty big flaws
First of all is the acting. Christian Bale really sucks badly here. This surprises me as he’s really one of the most consistently good actors around these days. Sure his roles are all the same, kind of proving he has no range, but who cares when he’s nailed the “dark brooding” guy down pat. Here however there are two volumes, screaming at someone, or shooting at someone. I seriously don’t think there is any part of this where he just talks. It’s annoying, and at one point during the end, laughable as all you than think about is his now infamous tirade on set. Moon Bloodgood (best name ever) and Sam Worthington (new “it” kid in Hollywood who’s also in AVATAR this Christmas and the clash of the titans remake next summer) are both great and actually have the most character development out of anyone else. But that brings me to another issue.

Sam Worthington plays a half human, half robot. OK, well the trailer tells us this, but the movie plays it like a mystery for the first hour. So for one hour literally half the running time is devoted to something we already know, thereby making it really boring. Also, for some reason, HE is the main character in this film, even though it SHOULD be john Conner, aka Christian bale. As hard as the actors try to bring some life to the very little time devoted to their characters, they are stopped at every turn by the god awful script. From the same team that brought you Terminator 3, as well as CATWOMAN, they have definitely stepped up their game a bit, but man these people need to stop getting work in Hollywood. For example, moon and Sam meet each other in the middle of the desert. They have an uneasy relationship until the night fall and she cuddles up to him saying “don’t get any ideas, I’m just using you for the body heat.” He responds out of no where with “you know….I’m not a good person.” She responds with “yes you are, you just don’t know it yet.” Wait….WTF!?!?!?!? I started laughing out loud. Unfortunately the film is riddled with shockingly bad lines like this all throughout, making the dramatic scenes teeter dangerously close to sci-fi channel quality. Don’t even get me started on the “so that’s what death tastes like” bit after someone kisses a cancer patient. Lol
However the one saving grace is the action, of which there is plenty. McG, aka the worst named director in Hollywood, knows how to make things look really awesome. He is after all the director of the Charlie’s angel’s movies. Here he uses the camera, and sound expertly to heighten the tension in the action sequences, which are EPIC in scale. Also thankfully, there is an action sequence ever other second, so you’re always being distracted from the crappy dialogue by stuff being blown up REAL good. And yes, Arnold himself shows up towards the end via really good CGI for a hard hitting cameo. So as far as summer action movies go, this is heads and shoulders above the dismal and pathetic WOLVERINE, but no where near the level of Star Trek, which seems to be the film to beat this year.
One last note, there is a LOT of footage in the trailers that is NOT in the film, which might actually help cover up some of the plot holes. For example, in the trailer there is a shot a Christian Bale walking chest deep in water, with a gun, and a huge machine rises from the water behind him. They actually make a big deal of it in the trailer. The film opens with him chest deep in water, but not machine, or action scene at all. A curious thing, as usually the drama is the first to go, but action usually always stays. All well, I suppose the unrated directors cut special sky net edition blu ray will have all the good stuff added back in.

The Terminator Films thus far...

THE TERMINATOR
So the first terminator film really isn’t all that and a bag of chips. It’s good, no doubt about that. But it also comes of as VERY dated and harmless. Everyone now knows the story. A woman is suddenly attacked by a huge bulking man (aaaanuuuld!) only to discover it’s a robot sent from the future to kill her, so that way her unborn child won’t be able to grow up and lead the resistance against said robots. All fine by me, I saw the back to the future movies; I get the whole paradox time travel thing. However, one huge pet peeve I have with this plot is how she gets pregnant. Her “future” son john Conner sends back his right hand man to not only protect her from Arnold, I mean the killing robot, but ALSO to impregnate her with….himself. Wait, so THAT means that events in the past are inherently reality only because someone from the future changes it. So if john Connor never sends his bff back in time, he’d never be born. Um, kinda sketchy, but I’ll take it.
Something else you’ll notice this time around is the special effects, or lack thereof. There really isn’t all that much action. And you only see the “endoskeleton” once, and it looks REALLY stop-motion 80’s cheesy. Not bad per say, in the same way when atrayu is running away from the nothing in the never-ending story, it doesn’t look BAD, just that nostalgic 80’s style cheesy. To be frank, I’m surprised the film spawned a sequel at all. Once again it’s not bad, just mediocre, and doesn’t really scream out for there to be a sequel at all.

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY
Holy crap on a stick, this movie rocks. It’s actually pretty amazing how this film is just under two decades old (which actually dates me, cause I remember this thing coming out while I was in elementary school, and my parents not letting me go cause it was rated R) Turns out James Cameron had made the first Terminator film as his own person film school, a crash course in what to do and what not to do in filmmaking. Now, with all that first hand knowledge under his belt, he created an EPIC action entertainment the likes of which had never been seen before.

Throwing out a lot of the sci-fi time warp mumbo jumbo, here he wisely focus’ in on the action and special effects. CGI was used for the first time convincingly, and not sparingly, to create images and action that couldn’t even be planned a mere two years before. Things like a man driving a motorcycle off a building and jumping from it onto a helicopter flying by, then taking over the helicopter and chasing a truck down a highway, sending things blowing up left and right. It’s spectacle on the grandest scale. It’s the Ben hur battleship sequence of it’s time. However that wasn’t even the finally. Also, what he mastered is his ability to create interesting characters. Sarah Conner was a whinny scream queen the first time around. Here he gives her a LOT of angst and motivation, and her pre teen son John actually has a lot to deal with as well. It’s this seriously dysfunctional family dynamic that propels the film from one action set piece to another. Also, within the action sequences themselves, more story is revealed. A scene later on has the mother son duo accompanied by the Terminator sent back to protect the boy breaking into sky net with the actual creator of the artificial intelligence that will later on down the road decimate the world. As doors are blown away and people go flying, the sky net guy is revealing important plot points as he discovers them.
A rip Roaring action film that stands the test of time thanks to well drawn characters and state of the art specials effects and stunts, James Cameron has yet to live this one down, even Titanic, a bigger film in every way to this one, couldn’t match the action this one has.

TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES
Wow, ok. This one is a VERY mixed bag. It’s almost as if there are two very separate films in here fighting for power. On one hand you have a very good continuation of the story from part 2. True, it does get a little bogged down with the hows and why’s of time travel and what it can do, but is smart enough to avoid any huge plot holes. You also have all the characters you want to see back in action. The other film, and one the one I didn’t like at all, was the childish goofy humor comedy shtick that kept creeping up throughout. John Conner at one point finds himself locked in a kennel at the dog pound, only for his high school sweet heart to randomly show up and let him out. Wait, hu? They try and play up the whole “destiny” angle with the girls dad being the general in charge and her fiancé also playing into the action, but it’s all portrayed as a lame Dawson’s creek style melodrama. Also, much like how Freddy Krueger started off as scary, but over the course of several films became a one line spewing joke, the terminator here does nothing but wise crack. For an android with no emotions, he sure has a sense of humor. No longer is Arnold intimidating or scary, he’s just funny. Sure some of the jokes are a bit funny, but why on earth would you have such immature banter in an R rated adult action film? I can see why that humor has a place in other pg-13 rated summer popcorn films, but this movie is a hard R, what adult will laugh at this stuff? Also the “terminatrix” was just a gawd awful idea from top to bottom. Once again jokes are the main course as she takes over the body of a Victoria secrets model and steals a car form a cougar (demi moore, not the actual animal). Really? If you want the sex appeal factor, give john Conner and his new girlfriend a sex scene. That at least would be conceivable, even if still inappropriate. The villain here is just lame and embarrassing.
The film comes back to life at the very end however, with an amazingly bleak ending. Seriously, the last shot of the film is the earth, from space, and nuclear bombs going off all over the surface. It also firmly sets up john Conners role in the resistance quite well. It’s as if the people making it suddenly god a brain. Unfortunately they got it just long enough to save the last 15 minutes. So other than those precious few moments and a handful of other well staged but empty action scenes, and you have a very forgettable action flick that wouldn’t even be remembered today had it not be sandwiched into a very successful and famous franchise.

Donkey Punch

Three young attractive British girls on vacation in Spain go bar hopping, with not a care in the world until…..exactly how at least 7 other horror movies start right? The recent “touristas” had almost an identical set up. However where that film floundered, and this film succeeds, is all in the delivery.
The locations are absolulutly stunning. The sexy women in their bikini’s, the orange sun drowning out every other color. The atmospheric music, more like tonal humming in the background than actual instruments. It lulls you into a very comfortable place, so when three strapping young men show up to show our three leading ladies a good time, your just as exited about taking a trip on their yacht as they are. Things go from promising to titillating as they partake in an assortment of drugs, go for a cooling dip, jam to some music and then decide to “take things down stairs.” Now the name of the film is Donkey Punch, which will illicit a knowing smirk to those in the know, and be randomly meaningless to those that are lost. Have no fear, it is well explained in the film, and then actually shown in a very steamy group scene. And then what is a very erotic and humorous scene turns ugly on a dime. Let’s just say the actual “act” of the donkey punch doesn’t exactly go off without a hitch.

What proceeds is an astonishing level of tension and thrills that never let up. Placing the action on a small yacht was a perfect move. Unlike most slashers where the nimble young girls have all sorts of places to run and hide, there is none of that here. Every single scene is a full on confrontation. It’s not so much suspense as it is mounting violence between characters. These kids are put in a very serious position, and it’s quite fascinating to see how they react. The wilting flower of a girl is the last person you’d expect to pick up a boat propeller and run down one of her boat mates. Or the good guy who wants to call the police is suddenly one of the first to be convinced a shotgun is the only way to settle certain matters. The level of tension is so expertly sustained, you won’t realize how tightly wound you are till it’s over, and you find yourself breathing easier.

The direction is hypnotic. There are several scenes that start off as typical horror clichés, then suddenly the swaying music kicks in, as does the slow motion and the sequence turns into an eerie but beautiful montage. With every confrontation handled in a different artistic way, it keeps things very fresh. The movie is an hour and 40 minutes, all but 10 of those contained within the boat. Never do you feel repetition, or that you’ve seen in before, or that they are just trying to stretch out the running time. If there is only one complaint, it’s that the final, while realistic and keeping with the tone of the rest of the movie, is a bit on the underwhelming side. There isn’t really a huge explosion, or totally awesome “gotcha” bravura death scene. It just stops. This however isn’t distracting enough to sink the film. Also, and this is no fault of the filmmakers, but the British cast have accents that are SO thick that at one point I felt like I missed a major plot point, and had to rewind and watch it again with the subtitles on.
More of a psychological thriller than a horror film, Donkey Punch comes HIGHLY recommended. It’s beautiful cinematography, amazing locations, and smart characters lend a dignity and maturity to a slasher setting that usually doesn’t get such great treatment. Full of sex and violence, it’s also not for the faint of heart (for the first time the “unrated” label on the front actually MEANS it’s worse than an R rating).

Angels, Demons, and Tom Hanks in a Speedo

Angels and Demons is a really good thriller. It’s got an amazing setting with all of Vatican City to run around in. It has a “race against time” plot narrowing the events down to one 4 hour period pseudo “24” style, giving it a really fast pace which is something it’s predecessor sorely lacked. What it does not have unfortunately, is an interesting lead.
The pope dies, and the four obvious runner ups are all immediately kidnapped. The villain states that one will die every hour, on the hour, starting at 7 pm, at which point a bomb will go off in st. Pete’s square, which just so happens to be where the entire world has shown up to see who the Vatican appoints the next heir to the throne. The culprits seem to be members of the illuminate, whose’ checkered history with the Catholic Church is gone over in painstaking detail in the film. It’s up to Tom hanks to solve everything of course, with the help of the Vatican itself. I guess it’s nice to know the church doesn’t hold a grudge since that whole “Jesus had a kid, and now his direct descendents deserve the real power” shenanigans that went down last time. Obviously things do not go really well, and that’s where things get good. The death sequences are each more elaborate and graphic, reminding me of the Dario Argento thriller or “Gallo” style Italian films from the 70’s and 80’s (go rent Susperia or Deep Red or The Bird with the Crystal Plumage right now, those three back to back will blow your mind).
The problem is our main character. Hanks really kind of wanders around from place to place with no real sense of urgency, and he’s not a leader. He’s a follower. This I’m sure is how it would be in real life, but in cinema, we want our lead actors to take charge of the situation. It would be no fun watching Indiana Jones follow Short Round through the jungle for two hours. It’s not fun watching Hanks fumble from one point to another, at one point aided by a tour guide squawking at a bunch of tourists. Why not make the tour guide the lead of the film? That being said, the elaborate death sequences, coupled with the stunning locations and the frequent history lessons makes up for the uninteresting lead. I found myself very involved in the plot despite the lack of a relatable character, which is a testament to how much fun the story and cinematography is. Mention must also go to the music, which is like that creepy “Omen” theme only pumped up to borderline techno pitch, which fits nicely with the religious imagery and brutal mayhem.
In the end it was a very handsomely mounted film with tons of interesting history lessons fit into a quick and efficient thriller plot. The lead isn’t all that interesting, which means this will probably be the end of the Robert Langdon adventures, on film anyway. It’s also MUCH more exiting than The Da Vinci Code, which was probably one of the most controversially boring movies ever. It’s slightly more intelligent summer thriller fair than usual, and in a summer filled with Saturday morning cartoon remakes, that can’t be a bad thing. Oh, and Tom Hanks in a Speedo is a really bad idea. Who in god’s name (pun intended) got that idea? It made me wish for his mullet from the first one. I’d take Hanks in a mullet any day over that Speedo.

best of 08'

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMINE BUTTON
The more I think about it, the more I don’t know if I enjoyed the story half as much as I enjoyed David Flinchers direction and the cinematography and the ambient jazz soundtrack and the sweaty gothic southern charm this movie has going for it. Everyone gives great performances, though truthfully nothing Oscar worthy or groundbreaking. It’s forest Gump only intelligent. That for better or worse, sums it up entirely

MILK
Man oh man is this a heart wrenching film. Sean Penn is not my favorite person in the world. In fact, when he was driving around in a boat trying to get some good P.R. er..I mean save the hurricane Katrina victims, I couldn’t’ help but roll my eyes. But after about 3 minutes you forget the actor and see nothing but the man, Harvey Milk, in a VERY moving and insightful biography of one of America’s heroes.

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIR
My favorite movie of the year. It is the story of a kid in India who gets on their version of who wants to be a millionaire. Of course he gets to the second to the last question and the police detain him, and torture him, and try to get to the bottom of how he cheated. But he didn’t’ cheat. He knew every answer, not from school, but from experiences in life. Mostly through flashback, it tells the story of a kid and his love for another girl and how everything plays out is both amazing, complex, and intense. It’s from the guy who made trainspotting and 28 days later, but it’s easily got the most heartwarming, uplifting endings to any movie I’ve ever seen. You owe it to yourself to see this movie.

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN
Twilight what? This is the best vampire movie I’ve ever seen. It’s also a very romantic movie, as well as a coming of age story also. So if you mix Bram Stocker with “kids” or “Bully” you have an idea of whets going on here. It follows all the cliché’s of the genre, but drops it in the middle of a realistic modern day drama, that would’ve been interesting enough on its own. It’s tragic, melancholy, and surprisingly funny. I can’t wait to see it again to absorb all the little details I missed.

THE DARK KNIGHT
I’m not gonne be popular with this statement, but I’m officially sick of the dark knight. It’s like a nickleback song, or TITANIC before it. Too much of a good this is still too much. It’ll get nominated for a crapload of awards, and everyone will be pissed that it didn’t’ win every single one. And then, in about 8 months, people will start moving on to other things, like wolverine and watchmen. It’s not that the dark knight isn’t good. It deserves every accolade it gets, and I am one of it’s legions of fans. But it’s over kill at this point.

ROLE MODELS
The funniest movie I’ve seen all year. It’s kinda low key under the radar promotion didn’t help, but I laughed till I cried, then laughed some more. And then I peed myself.

WALL – E
A smart sci-fi film with some very insightful observations about humans and society. Oh, and it’s a Disney cartoon as well. Go figure. It’s amazing. And how can you not adore that little guy calling out for “eee…vaaa!”

Watchmen review

So here is the deal. I paid 9 bucks to see a movie. NOT to read a comic book. I’ve never read the comic this is based on, and I shouldn’t have to. Simple as that. Also, it’s not a graphic novel; it’s a fracking comic book. Graphic novel “sounds” better in the advertising, as if people will take it more seriously than if you call it a comic book, kinda like how everyone calls Silence of the Lams a “psychological thriller” even though it’s straight up HORROR!!! Sorry, tangent there. ANYWAY, so let this put things in perspective. I never read From Hell but LOVED it. I never read 300 but loved it as well. I never read Lord of the Rings and those three films are in my all time favorite LIST!!!! My point being that even though a film may be based on pre existing material, it MUST stand on it’s own as a film, and this is Watchmen’s fatal flaw, one that it can not, no matter how much more running time added, no matter how faithful to it’s source material, it can not over come.
The film opens with a murder of a masked avenger, the comedian. We are painfully slowly introduced to his old gang, one by one, and flashbacks clue us in on how he was kind of a jerk, but also a good guy at heart (cept for that rape scene, but we’ll get to that) So right off the bat we have problems. Here’s a HUGE pet peeve I have with recent comic book films. You can go two ways. You can go the Dick Tracy/Sin City rout where you stick with the source material, making it VERY over the top and a literal translation. OR, you can set it in a heightened reality, where the laws of physics apply, where they bleed. An example of this would be any of the x-men or new batman movies. Wolverine isn’t wearing tight yellow and blue spandex like he was in the comic, but he would look silly. And The Dark Knight took it one step further, making it closer to a crime drama than a superhero movie at all. Watchmen can’t decide what it is. There are really goofy slapstick moments, like with characters throwing a punch and the victim goes FLYING down the street, or when the Silk Specter flips out of a flying hovercraft and lands in a super cheesy but undeniably cool pose. But then these fantastical elements sit next to others, like a very ugly and rough rape scene. What was the point of that rape anyway? It has a payoff at the end with a daughter and mother, but why was that subplot in there? Maybe in comic form it helped with the character arc. But here it LITTERALLY had no place. Was I supposed to Sympathies with the Comedian for being a Dick and raping people, or was I supposed to hate him. I’m all for gray area, and flawed characters, but I’m sorry that rape had no place. It stopped the movie cold.
The movie takes its SWEET time, not helped by the fact that everything is in slow motion, and I mean EVERYTHING!!! People get the mail in super slow mo!!! I’m not making it up!!! But anyway, all these characters are introduced, but are they REAL superheroes? None of them seem to have any legit super powers, except for Dr. Manhattan, who’s kind of like a god, but not GOD himself. And the last act of the film has a lot to deal with someone setting a horrible disaster up and making it look like he did it, to frame him. Here’s the best part, his character can see his own future, so he already knows it, and comes to terms with it, and accepts it. Sooo…….um, where’s the drama in that? No lie, there’s a scene where he has a conversation with his lover, but since he can see the future he literally TELLS her what she’s going to say and then responds to it. It was probably the most laugh out loud bad moment this year. Right next to Mark Walberg talking to a plant in The Happening. And then it ends on a really sappy high note, with a huge innuendo to a sequel, even though everyone I’d spoken to say the book ended bleak and final. Go figure.
SO I’m not REALLY sure what the Plot per say is. It just kind of starts, and then 3 hours later stops. The acting was all really intense, and there were some cool moments, but they weren’t earned. They were empty. Zack Snyder dropped the ball. He forgot that he was making a movie, and instead made a lazy, incoherent mess. He made something so inaccessible to the average filmgoer, it’s a shame. I feel there’s a really good message, in fact several, all of them interesting and thought provoking one’s. All of them I’m sure coming across much better on the printed page than spoken here, willy nilly as characters jump from Antarctica to Egypt in every other scene for NO logical reason. A sloppy mess, that may get better with a directors cut explaining everything a bit more. But even then, why have a bunch of pseudo super heroes standing around for 3+ hours explaining whets going on. If you can’t just show it, why bother.

Saturday the 14'th, wait, thats not right...

So here is where I stand as far as remakes go. I kinda liked the original texas chainsaw massacre, but didn’t grow up with it, so the remake was a big improvement for me. It got that the horror should be real and uncomfortable and gross, not just literally, but in every way. I thought the Hitcher was a great little thriller from the 80’s no one had seen before. I thought the remake was almost shot for shot which came off as lazy and lame, but it was still a shot for shot remake of a pretty decent little 80’s thriller, so I liked it. I thought the Amityville horror was a VERY dated but effective haunted house movie. I thought the remake was GOD AWFULE!!!!! It’s interesting to note that all of these films are made from the same studio. Platinum dunes. Headed up by “my name is Michael bay and I made bad boys one and two and Armageddon and Pearl Harbor and the rock and the island and transformers and therefore am richer than you ever will be” Michael bay. In short it’s been pretty hit or miss. Well, count this as a tepid hit.
The first 20 minutes of the movie are very, very bad ass. There is a LOT of really funny jokes, and a LOT of really tense, atmospheric scares, and finally some short but rough gore. Then, literally 20 minutes in, the titles finally come up and the movie proper starts. What follows is a surprisingly ho hum plot thread about some kids going out to get drunk, and another kid going out to find his missing sister (from the pre title killing spree) . Thankfully, and uncharacteristically the characters are all pretty funny and appealing in a lame story. My Bloody Valentine (which I preferred in pretty much every way) had the opposite problem. ANYWAY, Jason kills and people die. Yadayadayada.
The one thing you are either going to love or hate is that this is not a bleak, realistic, killing spree kind of movie. This movie is a stoner comedy with horror. Its pineapple express with scream thrown in for good measure. It’s not all that gory, but it never really tries to be. There IS a lot of pot in the movie. And a lot of boobies. However nothing in this movie comes close to the sheer brilliance of the “truck stop “I’m not a slut” sequence from Bloody Valentine. So in short, you WILL laugh, and you MIGHT be scared. Either way it IS very entertaining, and I think the unrated (reportedly 17 minutes were cut out!!!) DVD will pack a MUCH better punch. I was not disappointed. But there is still a LOT of room for improvement. I guess there’s always the sequel…..

Trekkin where no film has gone before!

Star Trek starts with a bang and never lets up for one second of its 2 hour running time. This is easily the best Trek Film, and I’d say right now is far superior to any of the star Wars prequels and is equal to Empire Strikes Back. J.J. Abrams is the new Steven Spielberg, and he makes it clear with this movie, a perfect fit for his sensibilities, that he knows how to make a big, fun summer film.
The first thing you’ll notice is the special effects. It’s astonishing really, how many times have we seen a spaceship moving through space? I’d bet a TON. They always look very cool in their own way, but also very CGI. The opening shot of this film will have you squinting, trying to take every detail in. The action scene that acts as the curtain raiser is also amazing for how well it incorporates really emotional dramatic stuff in with the action. So instead of a James bond style action scene where the plot and characters stop to fight on a rooftop while things blow up, here we have an action scene that propels the plot forward, and at the same time makes us care about the people we’re watching.
The fact that this movie is only two hours long and still managed to introduce at least 5 main characters and have two storylines going on simultaneously is a tribute to the writers, who all came with J.J. Abrams from ALIAS. That is actually also one of the few, and MINOR qualms I had with the film. There is no wasted scene. No unneeded line of dialogue. Every second of those two hours is crammed with information, and at times the very thick plot can get kind of jumbled. There are a few dialogue expositional scenes that fly by so fast you kind of have to give up and go with it. That being said, it also lends a breathless pace to the proceedings. You will NEVER be bored or looking at your watch.
The cast is simply put, perfect. Chris Pine is such an egomaniac jock ass that you somehow still like him, and he’s supported by such lovable characters infused with humor and endearing quirks. That’s another thing; the humor took me by surprise. I’d say I laughed just as hard in this movie as I did in any Jud Apatow movie. The jokes however, were never distracting, and the threat of the villain (an unrecognizable Eric Bana) was never diminished by it.
Also, if your not a trekkie, no fear. There are undoubtedly TONS of references and inside jokes for the die hard fans, but every character and plot and history lesson you need to know is all laid out and explained within this one film, making it REALLY easy to follow along if you’ve never seen a Star Trek Film.

A final note must be made of the cinematography, which is stunning. Everything from the reveal of the starship enterprise, to the planet Vulcan, the shots are put together like a painting. Abrams uses lens flares as a part of his visual storytelling, with blue and green or orange and red streaks streaming across the screen almost constantly throughout the whole film. Talking with people afterward, I found some people thought it was distracting, so take that for what it’s worth, but I thought it was magnificent to look at.
So this was basically a home run. An engaging and complex plot, lovable characters, and easily some of the best visuals ever put to film (Blade Runner is the only thing right now that seems a worthy adversary in the visual department) make this THE summer movie to see. Wolverine was an Epic Fail, and Terminator looks promising, but this is the movie that had the most to prove. J.J. Abrams somehow made a stellar summer blockbuster film that fans will eat up, and non fans will fall in love with. I can’t wait for their next voyage!!!

My Bloody Valentine 3D

My bloody valentine was a bloody love letter to the 80’s and I loved it. The film OPENS with this dude who is trapped in a mine collapse with four other guys. He kills them to conserve oxygen, only to go into a coma. One year later, on the anniversary of the collapse, a bunch of kids go partying at the mine (of COURSE!!) and wouldn’t you know Harry Warden wakes up at the hospital, killing everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) and then heads to the mine to exact his revenge on, um, a bunch of horny drinking teens who have nothing to do with anything really, except their doing it AT THE MINE!!!! And by the way, that was the first 4 minutes!!!!!!! Lol. I can’t describe how gory and inventive the death scenes are, and how genuinely neat the 3D effect was. This movie definitely starts with a bang.

Then the plot comes in. It’s just ok I guess. I actually liked the love triangle thing they had going on, even though Jansen Eckles is for SURE the worst actor to ever grace the screen. And I make that statement having seen Glitter AND “From Justin to Kelly: An American Idol Movie.” But Kerr Smith is interesting as the adulterous cop. The plot thickens; red herrings are thrown at you like salmon at the Seattle fish market. But where the movie excels is pretty much the death scenes. Particularly ONE death scene. The one everyone is talking about.

It involves a naked woman, well I take that back. She has high heels on. But she’s real naked, and real pissed, and she has a gun. And throughout the course of this sequence, she runs, naked, tries to shoot a gun naked, then trips and falls naked, is called a whoar and has money thrown on her naked, watches a man get pix axed to death…naked, and then hides under a bed and watches…are you ready for this….a midget get pinned to the ceiling light with an axe…NAKED!!!!!!!I can’t get over how in about 7 minutes or so, you see so much full frontal nudity, AND 3 very graphic deaths, and somehow it all got through the ratings board. It’s hilarious and gross, and in 3D! Yes. 3D giggling boobs are involved.

Are there problems with this? Well, that’s tough to say. The movie most definitely had its tongue in its cheek. So to call out the cheesy dialogue and such would be missing the point. I think other than some soap opera-ish moments, that fell flat, this movie is a wild adult entertainment, that would have been awesome in regular viewing, but is now EPICLY entertaining in 3 muthaf#$*ing D!!!! I seriously recommend that everyone go see this asap!!!

Do you come from the land down under?

Australia was really interesting. Like all of Baz Luhermans movies, it’s got parts that your just not sure of, that you have to let grow on you. Or you just hate it and movie on. This newest film of his is no different.
I’ll just put up a pro and con list for this one…first the bad:
CON
It’s REALLY long, with two VERY distinct halves. The first one wasn’t all that interesting to me, but the second was. Others may differ.
The movie has a hard time deciding how it wants to play its aboriginal aspect. On one hand we’re meant to have sympathy for the way they were treated. But then the movie shows them as bizarre mystical spirits that dance and sing and come and go as they please. I just felt it at odds with the rest of the film.
Signs of a rushed post production reared its ugly head at times with a couple shoddy special effects shots. But nothing was GLARINGLY bad, so that was good, but when the cattle are racing toward the cliff I shouldn’t be noticing how Nicole Kidman is at full gallop and her hair isn’t moving.

PRO
Hugh jackmans body
Nicole Kidman isn’t annoying, which she very easily can be. I think it was a bit of typecasting here, but that’s cool. He’s supposed to be a stuck up bitch, and that she does well.
The cinematography is amazing. It makes me want to go to Australia more than ever now.
The music. The most memorable sequence involves Kidman looking through the ruble after Darwin is bombed. All of a sudden you hear “somewhere over the rainbow” on a harmonica in the far off distance. As it gets louder she hears an aboriginal children’s choir singing it in their native tongue and she goes off running in slow motion of course through the smoke toward the music. It’s cheesy and melodramatic, and I LOVED that sequence more than anything else in the movie. It’ll also make more sense once you see it.
Hugh Jack man sticking up for his friend when he’s not allowed into the bar. His line of dialogue is SOOOO awesome, his delivery so intense, it’s worth waiting 3 hours to get to that point.!!

Babe: Pig in the city

I know you may be wondering why on earth I’d want to post a review for such an obscure children’s film out of the blue, but trust me, if you’ve seen it you know. Babe: Pig in the City is the most violent, dark, complex, emotional children’s film I’ve ever seen, and above all else, a really great movie period.
IT starts off with The farmer getting put up in bed and the wife having to take babe into “the city” to get money from appearing at a state fair (babe is now a celebrity, lol) Sounds like a cute little kids film so far, and it is. Until the Mrs. Gets arrested at the airport for drug trafficking!!!! You read that right. Can this REALLY be happening? Well, they finally get to the city, which looks like the landscape from BLADE RUNNER or DARK CITY or BATMAN only during the day, and things get worse. The animal hotel they stay at has this absent minded clown living there with a bunch of his monkeys, performing for terminally ill children. Babe gets swept up in the show, just in time for this old clown to die. Yea, that’s right, He dies, and the animals of the hotel are all left alone in the hotel to fend for themselves.
This leads to a scene that has to be seen to be believed. The monkeys are breaking into a store to get food because they are all starving, while babe distracts some guard dogs. This leads to an EPIC and scary chase through the creepy twisted city streets that collimates with babe getting the guard dog tangled in his own leash, upside down over a river. We watch as this dogs head slowly drops under the water, and watch his hind legs helplessly kick and struggle for air. Then the kicking slows. The other animals watch with no compassion as this dog slowly drowns to death. So we’re 40 minutes in and we have a drug bust, an on screen slo mo death, and now we’re watching a dog die. WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! So the movie doesn’t quite go THERE and babe saves the day. Only for the pound to show up and chase down all the animals with nets and tranq guns (yes, they gun down animals) in another sequence, put to classical music, of the animals one by one being hunted down and caught.
Of course babe and Ferdinand the duck (the best comic relief sidekick since Dory from Finding Nemo) are spared and it’s up to them and a little pooch names flealick to save the day. Did I mention flealick is handicap and can’t use his hind legs, so he rolls around in a doggie wheelchair. Oh, and the reason he can’t walk is cause his human put him in a bag and dropped him out the window. Yea, I’m serious!!!!
So on one hand I’m glad I didn’t see this as a child. I would surely have been scared for life. I’m 24 and honestly had a really hard time watching that dog slowly drown.. But as an adult (sort of) I can appreciate the rather complex character arcs and life lessons these pint sized animals must learn. They deal with parental death, they deal with being homeless, and they learn the hard way how to survive on their own. All of this is NOT sugar coated, or spoon fed to the audience, but very graphically matter of factly shown. Credit must go to the director/ writer who is also responsible for the MUCH more gentle first one (which was nominated for an OSCAR!!!) and just recently HAPPY FEET (another cute family film with sudden dark turns). He doesn’t hold back in the dark material, making the lighter ones carry all the more impact. The honest and brutal story, along with literally some of the best cinematography and set design I’ve ever seen in my life, and amazing choral and classical music score make this one of the best movies I’ve seen. I can not recommend this enough, and I know everyone is thinking “but it’s a dumb animal kids movie sequel” but I guarantee you if you give it a chance you will NOT be disappointed. A quick IMDB search shows it was, in 1998 when it came out, on Ebert top ten of the year list, as well as Newsweek and TIME!!!!lol seriously, how did I miss this movie?????

Twin Peaks is Freaky FUN!!!!

One day in the sleepy northern town of Twin Peaks a girl is found dead. Her body has been stripped and wrapped in plastic, and all manner of unsightly insects crawl over her permanently open eyes as she washes up to shore. The small community is not very well equipped to handle such an atrocious crime, so an F.B.I. agent is sent in to aid the local bumbling law enforcement in apprehending the killer, and getting to the bottom of the mysteries. What follows for 29 episodes is easily the most strange, shocking and hilarious television shows I’ve ever seen in my life
Dale Cooper comes to the small town thinking it'll be a walk in the park. Two days in he has a dream, a dream that would be forever imprinted in the memory of anyone who watches the show. A sequence that would be parodied on Saturday night live, AND sesame street. It's also the most bizarre mind trip ever. However, most importantly, it lays the seeds of clues that point to all the answers. After having seen the entire show all the way to the end, the revelations are mostly all spelled out in this one early dream sequence. The thing is it's hard to tell what’s important and what’s a clue when there's a midget dancing to jazz music and Laura Palmer, the high school prom queen victim talking backwards and trying to (still in reverse) seduce agent Cooper (who is NOT in reverse) oh, and there's a strobe light also.

But that’s the tip of the ice burg in this wayward town. A one eyed house wife toils all day in hopes of creating a silent drape runner, the first of its kind. You think this sub plot is just comic relief until it points to a clue. Or a quiet old woman who spends her days drinking coffee and eating pie at the local diner, with a log. That’s right, a log. Once again, it's funny, funnier still when she approaches the authorities and tells them that her log was there the night Laura died, and that it saw everything. Unfortunately they don't ask the log nicely so it refuses to spill the beans. However, she gets the last laugh as it turns out the history and explanation behind the log, and the fact that it REALLY WAS there, are much more complicated and emotional than you'd think.
The show is filled to the brim with odd characters whose quirks all seem to lead to more clues. And more strangeness. In fact, one complaint I might have for the beginning of the show is that there are TOO many sub plots going on, most seemingly not connected to the core mysteries, who killed Laura palmer and why? But that’s the magic of this show, because patience is a virtue, and all the threads do indeed connect. Some not until the final episode. But when they do, your jaw will drop at the ingenuity of it all. Think of CLUE mixed with Law and Order and Reno 911 and you might start to get an idea. OH, and did I mention Laura’s mom starts having visions of a screaming Native American killing Laura? Just a dream right? Not so once Cooper starts seeing the very same man. But what of a dream when you discover the man in them has been dead for years?
There is a moodiness and sense of dread that permeates the whole show, and it's done with the muted colors, the constant bad weather, the creepy music (reminiscent of the shining) the sudden outbursts of violence, and in some choice sequences, gore. It’s this aspect that really sets Twin Peaks apart from other shows. Its structure has been often imitated since. J.J.Abrams has gone on the record and said that this show has directly inspired him on both ALIAS and especially LOST. But none of his shows, nor anything else since has captured the off kilter eeriness of this classic.
And then there's the ending. Can you imagine who the killer is? I narrowed it down to 4 people and was right with one of them, but was wrong with the motive. Go figure. It's a doozy, and even the revelation is done with a twisted bizarre glee not seen since that crazy dinner scene with "the family" at the end of the Texas chainsaw massacre. Yea, that’s right, ya hurd me. It's satisfying and creepy, and hilarious, and the perfect cap off to one of the most original things I’ve ever seen. It IS 29 episodes long, so it is an investment in time, but a can tell you here and now that once it starts, you can't look away. and once it's over, you'll find yourself unable to stop thinking about the mysteries of TWIN PEAKS

p.s. as an added bonus, it's fun to play "spot the celebrity" with Laura Flynn Boyle, Heather Graham and even David Duchovney turning up!!!