You'r better off killing yourself before seeing THE HAPPENING

So The Happening was probably the most gleefully horrible film I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s the first time since Mystery Science Theater 3000 went off the air that I wished it was back on. I think a revival of that show is in order for one special engagement. The latest from M. Night “I’m a hack” Shamalamadingdong. Mark Walberg and Zoe Deschanel are two of my favorite actors around. Walberg seems to be on the cusp of serious a list status and Zoe is just as cute as a button with oodles of charm and charisma (she was the best thing about elf. And yes, that’s a burn against will Ferrell) but not in this thing. But are they to blame? No. they have both proven to be amazing previously. The plot, a mass series of suicides in New York and other heavily populated areas for no apparent reason, leading most to assume terrorist attacks of the noxious kind. These are quickly dispelled of course by handy radio and news reports, that no matter how grave a situation, everyone seems to have time to stop and listen to. So what is IT?!?!?! Well, it’s plants. I’m not ruining anything, it’s in the first 30 minutes, and they talk about it for the rest of the running time. Get it? The plants are pissed at us for global warming so they’ve developed a natural toxin that kills us parasite humans off, in the form of self deletion. O.K. kind of lame, but there is some serious potential in that plot. Unfortunately, the actors, plot, or anything else with any semblance of talent or skill are no match for...M. Night Shamalamadingdong.The sixth sense was a great film with a killer ending. Signs was an awesome little twilight zone episode made for feature length. Unbreakable was boring and slow with hands down one of the laziest, obvious, tired “twist” endings I’ve ever seen. The Village and Lady in the Water were both so horrible I won’t even grace them with my negative remarks. So here we have is “first r rated Movie” with means nothing because 3 seconds of SLIGHTLY bloody bodies could be trimmed and a pg-13 would be secured. The much ballyhooed death scenes pale in comparison to “PULSE” which is an Asian film I’ll get to a little bit later on. A man feeds himself to a tiger. Are you SERIOUS!?!?!?! The entire audience I saw this with, myself included could NOT STOP LAUGHING!!!! People waiting in line to use a gun to shoot themselves? Might be creepy, even though shamalamadingdong points the camera at the people’s feet. That’s right, an entire sequence, for NO REASON is shot at floor level, as you HEAR people shoot themselves. It’s a bad directorial choice. It’s even dumber considering it’s “his first R rated movie.” If only it ended there. Marky Mark talks to a tree. That’s right, a tree. Here is the best part, when he realizes it’s a plastic tree, he STILL talks to it in fear! I kid you not I was crying I was laughing so hard. If this was his first film, mark Walberg would never work again. Zoe deschanel unfortunately is early in her career, and this heaping pile of crap will make it VERY hard for her to get any more work. And ramalamading dong? He’s already set to make Avatar: The last Air bender for nickelodeon. Yea, a live action cover of that kids cartoon show. Maybe that’d be more his speed. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s fired for it. The village tanked, and so did lady in the water. Now this. Mind you they all had strong openings. But the sharpest fall offs due to horrible word of mouth. How many more movies can this guy “make” and coast off the 6’Th sense phenom? How many more chances is he going to get? He’s getting worse and worse and idiots keep giving him a second chance. He’s a joke, as is this movie. Luckily for him, this is one of the rare occasions where it’s so bad it’s good. Drinking games will be invented. MSTK3 will come back on the air, JUST for this. And Wal-Mart is already clearing some space in their $5 bins for this.